क्या हुआ??

So ends another chapter. My close friends will have to excuse me if I am unable to discuss what happened in detail…but well, things are okay. Bittersweet is really the only word to describe it. That’s, in a way, the word to describe my whole life at this point. Bittersweet. Frightening. Wonderful. Confusing as hell.

People must be sick of me referring to “in the past # months” but I’m honestly astonished by what has happened to me in the past year. I don’t recognize myself really. Well that’s untrue, there are parts of my personality that will probably never change…but even those parts, I have a new acceptance for. I’m more outgoing, more assertive. When I want something, I do what I can to get it…and I’m not so easily swayed by my parents anymore either. But my self-discovery has come with a price…and this is a journey of the last 4 years or so. Every safety net that I’ve developed since my birth, every crutch, every cement foundation has either crumbled or been cracked and set aside. My concept of my family, of my own life, of what I’ve been brought up learning…I don’t know how much is correct or how much is an illusion. The hardest is dealing with my religious beliefs. I don’t know what I can accept now. I feel in my heart that there is someone who created us, who cares about us…but what that means, I cannot reconcile. I only hope that as time progresses and as my exploration goes further, that things will eventually become clear. If not clear, then I hope I can at least eventually be satisfied with where I am and who I am.

I think the tables have turned emotionally for me, finally. From 8th grade until, well….probably about last year, I had moments of happines amidst an almost constant underlying depression. Now, I think I’m mostly happy, with some periods of depression.