क्या हुआ??

Yesterday was pretty much a fantastic day. I went ahead and finally took my GRE.

I ended up with a verbal score of 580 and a MATH SCORE OF 670!!! It’s total craziness. I wish I would have done better on verbal, but I think a 580 is still decent, so I’m fine with it. But I’m just so glad that is over.

Also, last night I was hanging out with a good friend and I found out that I can almost read Urdu!! There are a few letters I need to work on learning, but otherwise I didn’t do too badly. I even did somewhat fine on the words without vowel markers. So now I know that my studies have actually been productive!

Today is little Amelia’s 4th birthday, so we’ll be going over to my brother’s house. I’m super excited because I haven’t seen Amelia in a while, and the new baby is there too. My poor brother, he’ll be surrounded by estrogen for the rest of his life.

Anyway, this weekend pretty much rocks.

But I wrote some stuff tonight. It might suck, but here it is

——————————-

At once between waking and sleep

With a flick of the wrist I could dream once more

Or lift my head and greet the unkind sun

To walk a mile, what hardship shall I face?

But in continuing my reverie, I remain at this place

avoiding pain or surpassing sloth, what benefits exist?

One could speak philosophy unending

Their children paw at empty cupboards and sew their rags

What life have they made?

A matchless scholar you may become

Show your eloquence to masses, return to your lonely bed

What reward have you gained?

Long to touch the sun, ache to retreat to the void

Such a divine debate; over life…or not

In either what…at the end…is achieved

———-

So I again creep back into this shadow

The journey out brought such a battle

but beaten back, with tail tucked between

please pay no mind, make not a scene

Within my grasp a few have stood

Would have given such love if once I could

Though as if haram, as if a sin

It falls apart, cursed to never begin

Ishq, Pyaar, Mohabbat; they remain only words

Incarnated as strangers, foreign whispers overheard

But in words I pour myself; in the syntax, I live

Knowing that there is much more I could give

Well, I’m coming to the realization that I really have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to graduate school. Here’s what I know, or at least thing I know:

• I want to go to graduate school
• I’m good enough to go to graduate school
• This is seriously, for real, what I want to do with my life

However, just knowing this will not get me into graduate school. There is this complicated process of networking, developing interest, and then convincing other people that you have done enough of these things to warrant them paying for you to study at their institution.  Of course, that’s a terribly dumbed-down description, but sometimes it just seems to be the utter truth.

Well I’m completely at a loss. I’m really not sure why I’m having such a hard time of it. I have a general idea of how I should write my personal statement and what people are looking for, but I have this mental block that says that no matter what I write it won’t be good enough. So I end up writing nothing at all. What I need to do is just start writing, do my best, and realize that I can’t do any better than my best…so if that doesn’t get me into grad school, then I don’t deserve to be there.

But really, when I open these applications (I’ve started two so far) I feel like…I don’t know, as if I’ve suddenly become illiterate. I almost wish I had some smart person to sit by me and go through the whole damn thing with me so I don’t do anything wrong. Oh, and one thing that I’m totally confused about. How do I start a dialogue with a professor who I would potentially want to work with?  I mean, I’ve found a couple with interesting specializations, but should I just email them? or what? What would I even say?

I have so many insecurities running though my head right now, it’s not even funny. I know some stress is good and actually productive, but I think I may be dealing with the bad kind since I just can’t focus on much else. Even when I’m with friends, I’m finding it hard to carry on conversations because in the back of my mind I’m going over how I need to get my applications in, and how I probably won’t get in ANYWHERE.

Well, there’s my vent for the day….

Someone help

Well, this weekend has been…I don’t even know what word to use for it, really. It’s been an experience. It’s an incredible feeling to be an aunt.  I got to hold Sophia for a little while today. She looked at me a few times. I wonder if she could see me, and what she may have been thinking. What does a one day old baby think? Does she know that I’m part of her family? Well, I fed her a little bit and then  she slowly fell asleep in my arm. I was on top of the world, just looking into that tiny face while she made funny little faces as she slept. I’m looking forward to watching her grow up. When she’s older, I’ll be able to say “I was there a few minutes after you were born.”

So that was the amazing part of my weekend.

Some things were…well, I don’t know if I would really say “bad” but just…thought provoking I guess. It seems that I have become akin to “The Final Girlfriend.” My ex just got married on Saturday. Good for him. It sort of feels like the official closure of my old life, really, even though we’ve been broken up for almost two years. It’s a little hard to explain.

Then I went to Pyramids for the first time since February. I’m glad I went, I needed to get over the awkwardness. It wasn’t as weird as I expected it to be, but it was still weird. He was there, yes. We didn’t really converse much more than “Oh, you haven’t been here in a long time, how are you?” “Good thanks, how are you” “good” As if we were just acquaintances and not at one point close to going in front of an Imam. But it is what it is, and I found out from one of the waitresses that he’s getting married soon. I’m not surprised, in fact I figured he would be married by now. It’s bittersweet though. Even though it was pretty clear by the end that there were just too many cultural differences that I couldn’t live with, I still had some pretty strong feelings for him and enjoyed our time together. But…we have both moved on. Him to someone else, me to whatever I can make out of my future. No regrets.

The owner still remembered me, though. He came over and said hi and that he missed me, so that was pretty nice. I do love that place, and I’m not going to let an old flame keep me from doing something that I enjoy.

All in all, not to sound like I’m patting myself on the back, but I’m pretty proud of my decisions. I’m right where I want and need to be.