क्या हुआ??

I’m really feeling it today. All of what’s going on is really starting to weigh on me. Family, school, relationships. Nothing is really going the way that I’d like it to. I’m trying to just go through the day and do what I need to do, but I just don’t know if it’s adequate. Maybe I’m just not good enough to make it in grad school. Maybe I’m the one who is wrong in all these family problems. Maybe I’m just not attractive enough for anyone to want to take things to a serious level.

It’s possible that this is just the hand I’ve been dealt, unable to pass the line between mediocrity and true success. I don’t know if I could live with that, honestly. I want to feel on the same level with these people I’ve been spending time with, and even though I feel that I am basically intelligent and have some things to say…it just doesn’t feel like enough.

It’s probably my own error…I’m the one who got in the habit of not doing my schoolwork so long ago…I’m the one who never learned to socialize correctly. But I don’t know how to change who I am. I don’t know how to not always wonder if I’m bothering people…

Even writing this I feel like I’m being obnoxious. I have two papers to write, I need to do my applications for grad school. But all I feel is this existential depression.

Yesterday my mom pulled out a family video. It was the video she took the day I left for my first year of college. I had never actually watched it before, so it was really…well it was just kind of emotional, thinking of everything that has changed since then.

The video started with my dog and me. I was saying goodbye to him before my parents drove me to Wisconsin. I had no idea when my mom was filming that it was actually the last time I would ever see him. He was put to sleep not much more than a month later.

My parents were still together then, I don’t think I even knew that they were considering divorce.

I was still somewhat fresh out of my first big breakup. The pain was still very real at that point, and I was still a good 8 months away from my next relationship.

I still had grandparents then. Both of my uncles were still alive.

I thought I was going to be a Psychologist.

I never thought that in three years I would absolutely despise my time in Wisconsin and move back to Minnesota.

I never thought I would be applying to grad school, going to India, looking at pictures of my brother holding his newborn daughter.

There was so much I didn’t know, so much that was waiting to happen. Looking at my face as I hug my mom goodbye, wave to my dad. How could I have known that it would just be the two of us in a few years? How could I have known that my mom wouldn’t have my last name in a few years? I couldn’t have predicted the pain my family would go through.

On top of that, I could never have guessed the field I’d end up in or the people I’d meet in the years since that video.

What would I tell her? Don’t do this? Don’t do that? Don’t get into this or that relationship? I don’t know, as much pain as I’ve gone through, I don’t think I would change anything. Whatever experiences I’ve had and decisions I’ve made, they have formed my motivations and my character, for better or for worse. I don’t think I would be in the same place I am now if I had done a single thing differently.  I like where I am…so I guess I can’t have any regrets.

I just got paid today and transferred over my usual $150 to my savings account, which pretty much functions as my “India” account right now. So, I’ve passed the $500 mark! I’m so excited how things are coming together. I just checked, and my visa application should be arriving at the Visa processing place within the next couple hours.

Here’s what’s even more exciting. I did the math, and if I keep saving this much money for every paycheck I get until I leave,  I’ll be able to save up close to a thousand dollars ON MY OWN. Then I’m asking for only money for Christmas, so that will be helpful too.

INDIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Unh! Well, the checklist is finally getting a little shorter. I have everything for my Visa put together and should have that in the mail either today or tomorrow. It would be today for sure…except for the other thing I completed today. Well, I had to get four shots. UGH. I’m kicking myself for not having gotten my tetanus shot a year ago like I was supposed to, or my flu shot at some earlier time. So anyway…four shots it was. The shots themselves didn’t really hurt that terribly, but progressively over the next few hours my arms got soooo sore and I became so very tired. I left my second class right in the middle and by the time I finally drove myself home I had a POUNDING headache. (Well I should say “have” because this is pretty much current now) Basically this hasn’t been a great week for class. I’m trying not to let it be a complete waste however. I’ve got two of my library books sitting here, and I’m thinking I’ll go through them a bit to prepare for one of my papers. But anyway…at least I’m immune to a wide variety of nasty things now. Once I get my visa I’m completely, totally and officially India-bound!

In other news, I’m having a bit of an existential crisis. We’re talking the most basic kind. As in, the point of life and EVERYTHING. I keep getting this sinking feelings that anything we do in life is just a sort of distraction from the fact that we’re all going to be dead. Yes, I realize how morbid this is, but can anyone honestly tell me that this is very far from the truth? This isn’t to say that I am not at all enjoying my time here. I’ve got friends, I love what I’m studying, I’m going to freaking INDIA.

But in god knows how long, I will die. Maybe I’ll get sick, maybe I’ll be murdered by monkeys, maybe all the world governments will snap and the world as a whole will be destroyed.  Whatever happens…at some point it won’t matter that I went to India, it won’t matter how many languages I spoke or how many people loved me. People may mourn, sure…but no matter what they say it won’t be long. After less than a year, my loved ones may look back and recall how sorry they are that I’m not around…but they’ll go on. And one day they’ll die too, and their loved ones will also, and on and on and on.

So then what? How do I deal with this? I suppose I could just lie in bed and cry about the fate of humanity. I could go on a mad binging and sex spree to forget about all of this. Neither of these are productive…but then we get back to “is anything really productive.” Is it all just fighting against the tide?

I just have to go on, I guess. I need to find what I can do in this world which is really good. Even if this journey goes nowhere, I’d like to make it an easier trip for my fellow passengers. And I’d like a companion at some point….

Oof…heavy heavy